The Letter I Never Got To Send​

Dear ***,

I’ve always wanted to write you something. I did, once, and then couldnt bring myself to send it. Feeling silly, I ripped it up, imagining it somehow made it to the mail, made its way to you.

Maybe because I was still struggling with my inner self on what I was feeling and how to feel it and how to express it and also feeling vulnerable, not that I’m less vulnerable now.

When I started to realise I was falling in love with you I struggled with my feelings for quite some time. Whether it was right or wrong, whether I could feel so deeply for someone, whether we were strong enough, together, to get through this part and maybe I should just surpress it til “the right time” (which was foolish of me). There is never going to be a better time than now.

When others love, they say many loving words to the wrong person and about it to everyone, I didn’t want to be like them. So it was almost a tug-of-war between telling you how I feel and keeping it to myself. While at the same time trying to figure out what we were doing and how we were going to somehow get to each other.

Also it was about doing the right thing. I know now it’s ok to love so deeply, so freely and so honestly. God gives us so many gifts and I know that you are one of them.

I feel terrible some days, when I think about the distance between us, being countries apart and that I’ve burdened you with this process I’m going through. And as it comes to an end, it has felt harder rather than easier.

I don’t know when it started, but I pray for you, little things, mostly things you’d tell me about. Then it kind of snowballed. Now I cannot lift my hands in prayer without thinking of you.

And now I understand what people mean when they fall more in love with someone. It’s not perfection, it’s a feeling.

God promises us that He doesn’t stir one heart without stirring another. And I know this to be true because the way I felt was always reflected in the way you would. I never feel alone in my love for you.

It has been the most exhilarating adventure ive embarked on in my life. Getting to know the incredible human being that you are is the best choice I’ve made.

You gave me comfort, sometimes without even knowing. For that I was grateful. Being able to share my love for our religion, our interests, our values and our principles has allowed me to become better as a person.

I thought I understood effort and hardwork, but I knew nothing when it came to us. This entire experience thus far has opened my eyes to a million new lessons.

I know that life is good and bad, happy and sad, rich and poor; and all of it is our test.

I’ve learnt alot about myself, about you and about us. I’ve learnt that no matter how bad something seems, the good, the love, the understanding will always out weigh it.

At a part where couples usually get to enjoy each other’s company, we have had distance. At first I was envious of everyone else but then I grew to understand it and now I am so grateful. God allowed us to fill that distance with thousands of conversations that gave us what we needed.

I know I can be apprehensive at times and the distance allowed me to become more comfortable with you. It let us talk about everything important, without infatuation or desire tainting it.

I never knew there was a physical pain to missing someone you’ve never met.

I dream of the day we are together. I dream of raising kids with you. I dream of seeing life through your eyes. And all these dreams would never exist if I hadn’t met you.

After all these years, I now know I can still love someone without being with them.

With loving gratitude,

Anonymous